Live. And life will follow.

Live. And life will follow.

Tuesday 17 November 2015

I am now a roots seeker.



I choose to write in here instead of FB because I want this to be more of a conversation with myself than with others.

The last 3 days have been a very emotional and turbulent period of my life. I thought the death of my father was my lowest point. But it was not. It was the death of my mother. However that record was surpassed when my grandfather passed away.

Now a new and worst grief took over. 14 November 2015 gave a new meaning to my life. A life that is now without a beginning.

After 48 years, I now discovered that the father and mother who loved me as their only child and whom I dearly loved and sorely missed are not of my own flesh and blood.

After 48 years of living as a Malay and championing the community cause, in one single night, I am now a Chinese.

After 48 years, I now need to find who I really am.

I was adopted. And 2 versions were disclosed to me upon probing. Version 1 tells me of a poor Chinese couple from Segamat, Johor who sold me to my parents who then brought me back to Singapore. Version 2 tells me of a Chinese lady who was pregnant and made a deal with my parents to have her child raised by them. And after birth, I was given to my parents who paid for the necessary expenses. Version 2a tells me that my late father had wanted to also adopt my younger sister after some time later but my late mom decided to give her 100% love to me instead.

I have no clue and inclination. My birth certificate shows my adoptive parents as Father and Mother. I was given the name Mohamad Fahmi Bin Ahmad Rais. In Islamic law, when a child is adopted the father's biological name must be stated and if unknown to use Abdullah instead or if still the preference is to put the adopting father's name then the 'Bin' must be omitted. As such, as I have no reason to suspect anything amiss when looking at my birth certificate. I am my parents 'true and legitimate' son.

My NRIC indicated my name and reflected my race as Malay. So I grew up as a Chinese looking Malay and I comforted myself by believing that I look differently from my parents because I was a 'freak generation'. The result was obvious, every other day, every other week and every other month for each year of my life, I have people coming to me asking if I am Chinese. Some took the shorter route and just assumed I am one and started conversing with me in Chinese. And at times, when I corrected them by saying that I am a Malay, not every person can take it well. Some said that I am not aware of my upline generation who may be Chinese or that I am adopted.

Having people say that I am Chinese and that I am adopted became as common as strangers asking me for the time or direction. I didn't give any weight to such questions. I even made a convenient storyline out of it by saying that I am a politically correct Singapore citizen because I am a Malay who look like a Chinese and married to an Indian.

So the final truth came to light on Saturday night that fateful day when I visited my only living grandmother and in a casual conversation asked her if indeed I am adopted. I was more than half expecting her to dismiss it when her face changed and she took a couple of seconds in silence. The truth finally hit me before she could use any words to affirm it. The rest of the conversation had been nothing but a shock. It shook the very foundation of who I really am.

I left the house in tears. I didn't sleep that night. I cried and I cried. I still cry to this very moment. My emotions were a mix of every feeling except joy and happiness.

I was severely disappointed. The next 48 hours was devastating.

No, it does not change my love for my parents who raised me well. So please stop giving me the lecture on the morality of love by saying "they love you like their own son'. That is not the issue here. My love for them has not changed. To the contrary I love them more because they have raised me like their very own when I am not. They passed away thinking that I will not know the truth and would remain in peace with that hope.

My sadness was that I love them so much that I wanted and had believed all this while that I was the result of their love and marriage. And I love my extended family on both sides. My uncles and aunties, cousins as well. I grew up knowing them as my family.

And now none of them is of the same blood. Spare me the "all bloods are red" punchline. From my younger than me cousins to the oldest living relative, our DNAs are not related.

I was so proud of my dad's family name that I am the only one in the 3 living generations going all over town and village claiming that I am a 'Rais', that I named my 2 sons, 'Rais' and that when I first opened a company, it also has the name 'Rais' in it. And the truth now is I am not a Rais, in the bloodline sense of the word.

In short, I am lost. The last 3 days I stared at myself a little longer when I looked into the mirror. That is because I see a stranger in it.

I have people who obviously are not in my shoes trying to offer comfort using textbook techniques eg "we all love you the same", "it doesn't matter now" etc

Well it does matter. It doesn't matter to you because you are not me. It doesn't matter to you because you are not the one adopted or that if you are but you knew about it all along. It doesn't matter to you because life has not changed. You are still who you are.

But I am no longer who I am. I cannot go on pretending all is well. I cannot live another day with a pack of lies and pretending that I am who I am not.

It is either the world has looked different to me or I am now a different person in the same world. But things cannot be the same.

An alternative parental love is not what I seek. I am seeking lost ties. I am not as excited as meeting my biological parents as much as meeting my siblings. They are not a party to the decision that my biological parents made when they decided to give or sell me away.

What if the person standing next to me while waiting for the traffic light to go green is my own sister? What if a Facebook friend that I have in my list is my own brother?

If my biological family refused to accept me upon a possible reunion, I would have considered the matter having come to a proper closure nonetheless. If they are also in turn wondering where I am all these years, tears will roll when we hug each other for the first time.

I have lived my life as the only child and the prospect that I could share a meal with a brother or sister, I will go to the end of the world for that one chance.

Other than my wife who have been very supportive and tirelessly comforting me, as well as my 4 kids, my biological family is what I have in addition now. And finding them has become more than just a purpose.

I love my current extended family. I love my grandmother and all others. It is not discounting love for them with this roots seeking effort. I just need to make this journey to the beginning and have a million questions answered.

Technically, I have moved from being the only child to an unknown child. No one in the world would want to be in that transformation process.

My father, (and I love you dad) passed away in 1987 out of heart attack. We didn't get to have a final conversation. My mother (and I love you mom) passed away in 1994 out of heart attack too. And again, there were no final exchanges of words between us.

And the next 21 years that follow, everyone with information of who I really am did not share with me that information. It was probably the best kept family secret. Everyone knows about it and the one person who should have known about it live a life in the dark. I presuppose that in a situation like this, it is either I was told as early as possible or that I die without knowing.

A month shy of turning 48 was a tough time to know the truth. 21 years is an ample time to make a disclosure. Knowing it when I was a single 27 year old man then is surely an easier time than now. Even during the solemnization of my marriage such critical need-to-know basis was not shared.

I would do no such thing to someone that I love or care for. My second daughter is adopted. I love her like my own. And though I have taken the liberty to change her birthcert for convenience purposes, I did not hide the truth about who her real parents are. I want her to grow up loving me as her father, like her own real father. I do not want the love to be based on a lie.

My parents have their reasons and that I respect. But for the others who knew and kept it that way and claiming to do so out of love, that I cannot understand. I bear no grudges, just disappointment.

I need to regain my identity. I need to stop crying and wondering for the rest of my life. I cannot care for the feeling of others in my search for who I am.

Still there will be people who will discourage me and will not understand. Its ok. It is not you that I am seeking.

I am seeking for my biological family who may still be out there to just say "hello" to them and take things from there.

Please have feelings for me. You don't need to feel what I feel. Just help me.

33 comments:

  1. May the LORD God comfort you with His love, peace, joy, hope and salvation. FatherGod in heaven loves you and may you discover Him.

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    1. Thank you Peal. Please help to spread the news of Roots Seeker page among your Chinese friends especially those working in the media.

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  2. I hope you will succeed in your journey towards finding your biological parents. I truly understand how you feel.

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    1. Thank you for your kind understanding Please help to spread the news of Roots Seeker page among your Chinese friends especially those working in the media.

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  3. As much as you are curious on who are your biological parents, I also do hope that you look on the positive side that the love you've had since you were born had indeed made you to be one of "Rais" blood. I believe certain things are meant to be left behind and unrevealed and that your late mom and dad love you too much not to tell you that you were adopted in their lifetime. Certain things are better to leave the way it is. But again, it is never too late to try to find out your true origin. I wish you success in whatever you do and may Allah blessed you. Amin

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  4. To some degree I can empathise with you. Although I was not adopted I did feel a sense of no belonging to a family line once my father passed on and had always brushed aside any discussion on the topic. I hail from England but live in Singapore for decades. In earnest I set up a genealogy website after stating to search for family. This website now follows my family name through some thousands of people ( www.wonnacott.org) . Of course I had a base to start which you do not. If you can trace nieghbours and friends of your adoptive parents they may remember bits of information, discussions etc which may help you piece together. If you adoptive father was a staunch member of a mosque at the time of your adoption then maybe some of the elders or imam may be able to throw some light on your family ties such as who and how you was put up for adoption and if indeed a prayer service was held at the time. This of course requires you to do some research and possible foot work. It won't come to you from the internet until you have something positive to post which can be added to by others who may know something.
    Kind regards
    Paul R Wonnacott

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  5. Once you have found your link to adoption from Chinese biological mother into your muslim family you will then need to change tack and try and research Chinese families. I understand that this is not so easy for non speaking or non writing chinese persons.But understand that as well as the family name the generation names are also big pointers amongst siblings and cousins in previous time but no so much over the the latest generation. You may need to enlist the help of a Chinese speaker and writer. Good Luck and hard work will surely help you.

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    1. Thank you Paul for sharing and giving your views. Such words help to fuel me in my ardous journey till God knows when.

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  6. My mom found out she was adopted when she was in her mid 30s. For her own reasons she refused to look for her biological parents as much as I urged her to. I hope u find your closure.

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    1. no 2 experiences, situations and feelings are identical. she has her reasons. and someone like me have mine. may all end good.

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  7. My 2nd daughter is adopted too.. and i never lied about her roots to her and even to the public.. i love her and take care of her just like my own.. one day i will help her find her biological family if she wish to meet them.. i agree with you that we have to be truth to ourself.. we can never lie about our own identity and roots..

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    1. It is either the truth be told as early as possible or it will never be know. to discover by accident or late in mature age may risk emotional turmoil and identity crisis.

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    2. u make me cry...all the best to u & your beloved family...cheers

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  8. Hi bro...saw your posting someone shared on FB and a link that direct me to your blog here. My mom knew she was adopted when she was 12 but until recently, 45 years later she decided to look for her biological family. We called the Straits Times n her article was published online a couple of months back. For us we at least had info of her original certs which at least give us a headstart of our roots but till today no one came forward yet.

    I know it is hard for you as your resources are very limited but don't be dissappointed and do not give up. Hopefully your determination pays off. Good luck with your search.

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  9. Salam. I know how U feel wanting to search for yr bilogical fmly. I feel yr pain n stress. I 2 hv bn searching for my dad n bro in Indonesia. Circulated in fcbk n also accepted a channel U show Homeward Bound just so I can mention about my search, Seperation hv bn nearly 58 yrs. I pray that yr search will b fruitful. Don't give up. Gd Luck n take care.

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  10. Fahmi, you are who you are . The result of 48 years of facing life as the person that you had known as Fahmi Rais. That doesn't change any single bit. Find closure if you must, but just remember who you are. It's that person you've seen in the mirror for 48 years.

    - from a person who knows how it's feels.

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    1. I am not taking the opportunity to be different but i do feel differently about the same thing. Sure my face hasnt changed when i looked into the mirror but i am not what i was anymore when i look through the mirror into myself.

      A person who has used green lens sunglasses for 50 years will still see the same world using blue lenses but the colours (perspectives) of all things have inevitably changed.

      I am in the pursuit of a proper closure and in the process have found a new cause and purpose...to help others like me too.

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  11. It sounds like your sense of self has been severely shaken. If you're comfortable, counselling may help. God bless!

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  12. Jodoh, maut dan pertemuan di tangan Allah....may Allah ease your journey in finding your biological family, Amin Amin Amin ya Rabb..

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  13. Innallaha ma'assobirin, just do your part if closure you want, and let ALlah decide if HE wants to reveal it to you. We can only plan, for HE is the master planner who knows what is and not for everyone. Wamakaru wamakarAllahu wAllahukhairul makirin. Wassalam. From your brother in Islam, Rahmat Jebon.

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  14. We adopted our daughter when she was 3 days old. There was never any doubts that we would tell her as soon as she understands. As her mum, I would tell my daughter that she didn't come from my tummy but from my heart so she was a gift from God. My husband was worried that if my daughter knew she was adopted, she wouldn't love us anymore. I said to him if and when the time came and she wanted to search for her biological parents, I would leave that in God's hands. She's 18 now and I've asked my daughter if she wanted to search for her biological parents. She answered me that she was curious about her genetic but that was as far as it would go. I cried when I read your article and I understand the turmoil you are going through. It would seemed the last 48 years was a lie but take heart Fahmi, I hope you will find comfort and closure and I wish you the very best in your search. Katherine OKeefe

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    1. Thank you Katherine for sharing with me your experience on the same. I am glad that your daughter has come to know the truth and more importantly love you for who you are. That is being original. Pray for me and help me spread the word. The closure is so important to me at this stage. Death and old age is no longer a pair.

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  15. Dear fahmi, i am truly understood your feeling. Couple of month ago after Raya, i decided to come clean with my adoption daughter, me and my wife took a courage to explain to her who she iwas and how she was adopted. We also struggling to find her biological parents, as she was born at private clinic and the clinic has been shutdown for almost 12 years, we manage to find a person operated the clinic unfortunately none of the records been kept. After the sittuation became calm, we asked whether she wish to search for her bioligical parent, she did reply no need, she is 16 now, my intention at that time to offer any help that i could to trace her parents, is this because she is so young to think about it?

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    1. I have an adopted child and from very young she was made to understand that she is adopted. She then grew up to be every bit like our own. Me and wife are now so confident of her love for us. Adoption is not about secrecy. It is a legal process of the transfer of love. It is the adoptee's choice to trace or not to trace. I love my parents more now that I know I am their adopted child because I realised that they love me like their own despite me not being of their marriage. Your daughter has made her decision. That decision may stay that way forever or change in the future. But whatever it is she has nothing but genuine love for you both.

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  16. From experience, children can be cruel sometimes hence the parents are weary and very protective of their adopted child,so not to let their child feel left out or bullied in the playground or school if they knew of the child circumstances. My daughter used to tell anyone who would listen that she was special until she was taunted that her "real parents" didn't love her and that's why they gave her away. Both my husband and I love my daughter to bits and we often tell her so. Your parents decided not to tell you for fear of the stigma that would hurt you. Fahmi, on the positive, your biological parents gave you up in order to give you a better chance in life (knowing your mum and dad are childless). I will keep you in my prayers until you find peace within yourself.

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  17. Dear Fahmi, tears well in my eyes reading of your story and current predicament.
    Take heart that you have been indeed blessed to have such loving parents who brought you up as their own. If they didnt tell you why, it is impossible to guess their reasons for not telling you that you were adopted. Perhaps that is the nature of their unconditional love for you, and I am trully glad for you,
    Now that you realised it, you have a need and strong desire to find your roots. I will pray that you will find closure soon, and find the contendment and peace.
    A place to start would be the kampong or neighbourhood you grew up in, as those days the communal spirit was closer than these days.. God bless

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    1. Thank you. Indeed a closure is all I want. However, irrespective of the outcome, somethings can never be the same. I am remaking myself so that I can accept the truth and move on. You may add Rayan Adam Daniyal on FB.

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  18. Fahmi, I will help you spread on my Facebook wall post. I sincerely hope you will find your biological family. It must have been very difficult & frustrating for you. Your face look like someone I may have met so I will ask my friends too. May miracle happen for you one day :) -Elly

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    1. Thank you Elly, deeply appreciated. Do add me on FB Roots Seeker if you have not done so.

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  19. Yes I have added you on FB Roots Seeker. Thanks for your sharing in your blog. Your sharing is really heartfelt & of value. Though many may not understand your pain, there are many too who is supportive of your search for your biological family. God bless you. :)

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